Category Archive
The following is a list of all entries from the Uncategorized category.
Surviving small talk sober… for 3 hours!
Day 351 of sobreity. Tonight was a bit of a challenge. I had a work event at a bar for three hours and had to make small talk with people I didn’t know – without drinking. (Well, I knew one other person but he wasn’t there for that long.) I was paid to be there, but wow, that was tough. I drank three Arnold Palmers just so I had a glass in my hand.
I know there are some people out there who think it would be fun to shmooze for a living, but I am not one of them! Sometimes I wonder if I have social anxiety disorder, or if it’s just an anti-social strain of alcoholism. I really would rather do anything else, even clean the bathroom from top to bottom, to avoid making small talk for three hours.
I suppose if I’d ever socialized sober I might have figured out other ways to overcome my shyness besides drinking.
Still trying to ignore the life-or-death deal
Day 350 of sobreity. Wow, the whole website thing totally backfired on me! I should have just kept it business. The website guy relapsed and is off on a bender. I had to buy a book on the software he was using because I had never used it before, and ending up finishing the website myself.
I am a little resentful at him, but I’m also worried that he might not make it. The last time he relapsed he ended up in the psych ward because he ingested so much vodka they thought he was suicidal. I have been kind of resisting the notion that sobreity is a life-or-death deal, but sometimes it’s hard to ignore.
Flaky alcoholics and drunk dreams
Day 340 of sobreity. Oh, never mind about the guy. He kind of flaked out on me in the middle of putting up the website. We were supposed to get together yesterday, but he said he got food poisoning. Then he was supposed to call me today, but I never heard from him. Now I have a half-finished website — which is my own stupid fault for not just paying someone to do it. Arrggh!
Then I had a drunk dream where I went to a Chinese restaurant and ordered wine… In the dream, I thought now I can date so-and-so since I relapsed. It kind of freaked me out, though, I woke up and couldn’t remember if it was a dream or not for a few seconds. I haven’t had a drunk dream in a while… I wonder if they ever go away.
Playing with fire… again
Day 332 of sobreity. After a disastrous dating experience when I was three months sober, I swore off dating guys in AA because it just seemed like too much drama. Unfortunately, I don’t go anywhere except work and AA meetings so it’s not like I really meet anyone outside the rooms.
Now I have a new crush on a guy at one of my meetings. He offered to help me set up a website free of charge, which was nice of him. He came into AA the same time I did, but he ended up drinking again so now he’s been sober for two months. Intellectually, I know this is probably a bad idea to even think about… He also got divorced recently, just like the other guy in AA I dated.
Anyway, I had a problem with the website so I called him on the phone and asked him about it, and we ended up talking for an hour about random stuff. I know I should keep it on a friendship level, but sometimes being sober feels pretty lonely. I don’t even know how to flirt with anyone sober, but at least he’s around my age – the other guy was 13 years older than me!
11 months sober, and worlds collide
Day 330 of sobreity. I made it to 11 months, and I had a pretty funny weekend, I have to admit. I was bemoaning the fact that I have no social life outside of AA meetings on Friday, and a friend in AA invited me to hear some live music on Saturday night. I ended up inviting a drinking friend who doesn’t know I’m AA… and then I realized I had to come up with a cover story.
I told the drinking friend that I met everyone in yoga, but then two of the AA people started getting into an argument over talking when the music was playing. One of them stormed out and began 10-stepping on the phone on the patio. My friend turns to me and says, “How do you know these people again?”
Then the drinking friend and her date starting dirty dancing to the music right in front of the band. Everyone in the band was in AA, but at least they looked bemused. I have been pretty conscientious about keeping my AA life and regular life completely separate, but maybe I shouldn’t worry about it. Although I probably need a better cover story than yoga… unless there is some yoga class out there where everyone smokes!
Waiting to see the difference…
Day 325 of sobreity. I went to a meeting over lunch today, and it was kind of an interesting topic. The meeting was about how we can see the changes in our lives once we stop drinking. I have been sober for almost 11 months, but I’m not sure if I’m a different person.
I can remember everything in the past 11 months, so that’s certainly helpful. I just don’t know if I feel any different. I don’t think my personality has undergone a complete change, or if I’ve had the “psychic change” the book talks about. I mean, I’m sure there are differences that I don’t notice. I did clean out my closet and give a bunch of clothes to Goodwill. Some of the clothes are ones I certainly don’t wear now that I’m sober.
Praying for patience with bigotry
Day 315 of sobreity. Well, my kidney stone finally passed, but I’m still praying for patience! I went to an AA meeting this morning, and even got there early. Unfortunately, that meant the resident bigot sat next to me. I don’t even know if it’s worth being understanding of her. She’s always making racist and anti-semitic comments – she’s probably homophobic, too, if given half the chance.
Honestly, I know that resenting her doesn’t get me anywhere. She lives way out in the suburbs, but for some reason drives into the city to go to meetings. I wish she would just stay in the suburbs, where everyone thinks like her and looks like her. Then she could make little comments to her heart’s content, and nobody would be offended.
It’s really hard for me to stay on my side of the street with this one because I feel justified in my anger. I basically just try to avoid her as much as possible. She’s not in my home group but goes to some of the meetings. She has 20 years of sobreity, but honestly, who cares? If you’re a bigot, you’re not practicing spiritual principles as far as I’m concerned.
This too shall pass, right?
Day 296 of sobreity. I’m still waiting for the kidney stone to pass, but I have been making an effort to keep going to meetings. I have to say I don’t really see how this is God’s will to give me a kidney stone, unless it’s a sign from above that I need to drink more water.
I went to the urologist last week, but he said the stone was too small to do any procedures like zap it with sound waves. So he just gave me some medication and told me to wait it out, but the medication lowers my blood pressure as a side effect. I’m hoping this will be over soon!
Keeping an eye on the Vicodin
Day 287 of sobreity. Wow, I can’t believe I haven’t written in two weeks. I went to the doctor on Tuesday, and it turns out I have a small kidney stone. (I guess getting sober is pretty stressful.) He gave me a prescription for 15 Vicodin, but I’m trying not to take too many.
I don’t feel exactly the same as when I get drunk, but I do feel spacey and out of myself. I can’t drive when I take them, either, so I haven’t been to my regular evening meetings this week. It’s kind of scary to see how easy it is to slip back into isolation.
My sponsor seems to fallen off the face of the earth, but I asked another woman in the program if it was okay to take them. I told the doctor I was an alcoholic so maybe that’s why he didn’t give me that many.
Nine months and counting
Day 272 of sobreity. I made it to nine months this week. I don’t quite feel like a new person, although I suppose it’s the standard gestation period. I hear all these people say their whole lives changed in their first year, but I don’t think my whole life has changed yet.
I am grateful for the little things, though. I started swimming again, which I never wanted to do when I was hungover because the last thing you want to do is jump in the pool. I also planted a vegetable garden this year, which I didn’t have the wherewithal to do last year. (Now I just have to remember to weed it on a regular basis.)
I’m trying to get the hang of 10-stepping. It seems kind of weird to call someone whenever I’m in a bad mood. Sometimes I feel a little embarassed to call someone if there’s nothing really wrong.
