About

I started going to AA a month before my 35th birthday. I am chronicling my experiences with the program here, partly for myself and partly for others. I am not sure if I have anything original to say on the subject or not. I’m not a loud or dramatic drunk. I didn’t get fired from my job or get a DUI, or go on a bender that ended me up in rehab.

I just woke up one morning and realized I needed to change my life. It was 8 a.m. on a Sunday morning, and my dog was licking the tears running down my face. I had gone out drinking the night before, and I was just going to have one glass of sangria at dinner. Then we went to a bar, and I wasn’t going to drink, but my friend said I should have a drink to cheer me up. So I had three rum and diet cokes, which don’t seem like real drinks because they’re mostly soda.

Then I decided it was a good idea to discuss my feelings wih a male friend of mine who I had a crush on, but he said he wasn’t interested in me that way. I went outside and stared at the parking lot for 30 min. Then I went back inside, had three more drinks because I felt rejected. Then I ended up talking to another guy for two hours, and almost went home with him before he changed his mind.  I didn’t remember his name the next day.

All I remembered was the crushing feel of loneliness, and the fear that I would be that girl forever… that girl who gets drunk and goes home with some guy in a bar. Which I’ve done before, but somehow it seems sad and pathetic at this age. For at least half the guys I’ve slept with, I’ve been totally wasted. My excuse for drinking has always been that I’m shy. But somehow with a drink in hand, I feel sexy and confident.

I decided to go to that first AA meeting that Sunday morning. First, I put a dash of Kahlua in my coffee, though, because I was hungover. So technically, I was probably drunk at my first meeting on Sunday at 11 a.m. There were 50 people in the room, and they all looked depressingly normal (well, except for one guy with an eyepatch – no joke!)

I sat in the corner and tried not to cry, although I kept sniffling a little bit. I dug my fingernails in my arm to distract myself from crying. The moderator asked if it was anyone’s first meeting, and I tentatively raised my hand. “Are you an alcoholic?” he said. “I think so,” I said tremulously. That’s about all I remember from the first meeting. Plus the fact that they didn’t have donuts, just stale cookies and coffee.